If you looked at the title and gave a little sigh and a shake of your head, it's probably best for you to mingle on over to another section.
If you didn't, welcome! Today I'm talking about tiny humans.
No, I'm not pregnant.
So, babies have been on my mind a lot recently. I think it's probably because I just turned 27 and my body is kicking into high-hormone gear. It's gotten past the point of just gently tapping me on the shoulder every month, being like, "Hey, can you do me a favour and create another human?" to full on shouting, "CASS GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! DONT I DESERVE A BREAK? SEE THAT BABY THERE? YEAH. MAKE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING THINGS ALREADY."
It's to the point now where if I see a baby at the mall, I do that thing I used to hate where I wave and smile and make funny faces at it. I've started watching baby videos on Youtube (along with dog videos...) as a form of entertainment. I keep liking Instagram pictures of cute kids.
It's pretty damn terrifying. I never thought the whole stupid expression about the biological 'ticking' time clock was a real thing, but it is.
Here's the thing:
I never really thought about having kids in any meaningful way. I didn't even really think about having a family until fairly recently. I've always been a bit of a tomboy, and as a kid, I was more concerned with catching grasshoppers and naming them then playing house. I wasn't one of those kids that stuffed pillows up their shirt and waddled around - instead, I had an imaginary potbelly pig that I used to take on walks in the forest. (I was a completely normal kid and I'm still a completely normal adult.....compleeetely normal.....ccccommmplleeetteeelllyyy.)
So all of this hormone shit is kind of coming out of left-field for me.
It's not that I'm anti-children, because I'm not. In fact, I love children. I freakin' adore their little imaginations, their drawings, the way they play and interact with the world, the way things are so -simple- for them. When I was in Korea and I was teaching kindergartners, I loved it. They felt like my kids (and I called them that, too!) and I loved watching them grow up and learn and become their own little people.
I also think I would make a pretty good parent.
But what it comes down to though, is that I want to make a conscious decision to have children. I don't want to have kids because "Well, it's the next step, I guess?" No, no, no, no. Sure, my body is telling me that it wants me to have kids, but I'm a rational human - to a certain extent, I get to choose what I want.
And having kids is a HUGE responsibility. HUGE.
So, if I'm going into this huge commitment, then I'm going to think about it. I'm going to analyze it. There's no way I'm falling into this decision. There's no way I'm just going to walk down that path until, "Well, you're married. Better pop out some young you's now." I want to consider the pros and the cons.
And well, so far, here's my list.
Pros: 1. Cute 2. C would be a great father. 3. They would probably take care of me when I have dementia 4. They will probably come over for Christmases 5. I can teach them cool things 6. It'll be an interesting, exciting, fun experience 7. I can give my love/time/care to someone 8. My last name/genes won't die...this generation.. 9. I can do fun kid things with my kid and it won't be weird anymore (like play on playgrounds) 10. Probably it will be very fulfilling and change my entire perspective on my existence.
Cons: 1. Lots and lots and lots and lots of work. 2. If I have biological kids, they will probably wreck my body/lady bits 3. Does the world really need more people? Really? 4. I could have psychopaths for children 5. They're VERY expensive. 6. Loss of freedom 7. Mom cliques. 8. They could ruin my sex-life/relationship/marriage 9. It will definitely affect my future career. 10. I could live a life of regret because I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do.
As you can see, it could go either way. And the more I've sat on the fence, the more I've been able to see both perspectives. I could be happy either way, or miserable either way. I could regret not having kids, but damnit, I could regret having kids, too.
It's a strange purgatory kind of mindset I'm stuck in.
But, like I said, it's about time we decide about this stuff. This is no small decision. If we're going to go through with it, then we're going to need to decide fairly soon. My eggs are already starting to dry up like the Sahara desert and unfortunately, I don't have enough money to freeze them Walt-Disney style. And so I've...we've...had "the talk" You know, the.... "Well, what do you want? Do you want kids? Do you not want kids?" talk. And we both haven't really known, because both of us are fencesitters.
I thought long and hard about my future, and I came to the conclusion that I can't really imagine being alone in my old age.
And damn, I know that sounds selfish. Maybe that's not the best reason to have kids. But I want those Christmases, kind of like the ones I grew up loving. I want to go on family trips and have cute pictures of my kids in frames around my house. I look forward to the chaos and the excitement that kids bring with them wherever they go. And definitely, when I'm old and frail and on my deathbed, I want my -family- there around me, telling me, "Hey Cass, it's okay. We love you! You can let go now," right before I kick it with all the cool people who've died before me.
So, after deciding this, goals have shifted - changed. C and I will have to move....probably to a place where it snows. Probably to a smaller town, north of here. Probably to a place similar to where I grew up. C will be going back to school for the next 2 years to focus on computery things and I'm going to look into a career in writing. We're writing "Life BC (before children)" bucket lists. We want to cross off a few things before we settle down. I think we'll also get ourselves a big dog, because that's what we both desperately want.
And then....yeah, I guess after most of our ducks are in a row, we'll start trying. Either we'll look into adoption (something I've always been interested in) or....well, we'll do it the old-fashioned way. Whatever appeals most to us at the time.
So, it's exciting. It's exciting and damn right scary. That's where I'm at. There are going to be big changes in the following few years and I hope this website is still around to document it. I guess I'll have to change the name of it to - "See Its Simple, Mommies!," or something....
...OK, no. I promise I won't do that. EVER.
So, with all of that said - shoot me off some advice. Do you have kids? Do you want kids? Do you fear children and cower in fear when passing playgrounds? Did you read this post and shake your head like, "Wow, what an idiot! KIDS!" Give me all you've got.
Oh yeah, and have a fabulous Sunday.