7 Reasons why you should just break up already!
'Tis the season for break ups!
Well, at least in my small little world.
And no, I'm not breaking up with C anytime in the foreseeable future (or ever). But it seems like I'm surrounded by friends and acquaintances who are on the verge of ending things or have already ripped off the proverbial band-aid. Or if they haven't, they're having a rough, rough time within their relationship. I guess the new look for Fall '16 is dating strife.
I don't know why, but I tend to be the sounding board that my friends talk to about their problems in their relationships. (OK, I'm lying to myself. I know why. It's because I obnoxiously ask personal questions.) And I don't really mind listening to these problems, but I've realized that none of these people want my advice about their relationships. Most of my friends would just prefer that I nod, go "Mmm, mmm, yeah, I understand," and say jack shit about what I think they should do. Which is cool, I don't mind doing that. I understand it, kinda. It's not like I'm in THEIR relationship, so like, what would I know about it? I get that.
But, I do have advice. I have lots of advice. It's not professional advice. I don't have a doctorate in psychology or anything. I'm not a love guru by any stretch. But I've noticed some things and recurring themes in relationships - and I want to share my advice with YOU. YES YOU!
Mostly because my friends won't listen to me.
So, here we go! Hold on tight, we're on for a bumpy ride!
7 Reasons why you should JUST END IT ALREADY:
1. You just started dating and damn, you're already having major problems!
Red flag number one! If you are in a relationship under one year and you've broken up multiple times, give up already. Yes, I'm fucking serious. Under 1 year, you're both in the honeymoon phase and trying to be delightful little humans to each other. If you're having huge fights, breaking up, getting back together, taking breaks Ross and Rachel style, or cheating on each other, it's not going to work. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUN PART. This is the part you tell your grandkids about when you're like 75. "Oh, when I met Bob, we had so much fun all the time! He was such a catch! *wink*" NOT "Yeah, he broke up with me four times the first year because he kept flirting with Desiree over FB messenger." Don't torture yourself anymore. It will not end well and you'll have wasted your time. Fundamentally, you're incompatible. Sorry. Next.
2. Money, money, money!
Hey, I don't make a lot of money. Neither does my boyfriend. That's not the issue I'm talking about. I'm talking about when you're in a relationship and your partner doesn't trust you with money (or you don't trust them!) and when you can't compromise on money. This is one of those things that WILL DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. Money breeds resentment. If your partner goes buck-wild on payday, and you're thrifty, you can bet on having huge fights about it - especially when you're married. If your SO is so anxious about money they go through every single receipt and give you the second-degree about why you bought that pumpkin candle, resentment is going to build. If your partner makes you pay for everything (and that's not agreed upon beforehand), that's going to cause issues. Money and trust go hand-in-hand, and goddamn, it's an uphill battle if that trust isn't there. If you're both not working on the money situation TOGETHER, cut and run. It will not get better. In fact, it will get much, much worse.
3. Dead Bedroom
So, you and your SO haven't had sex in a month....or, was that two? You really can't remember the last time you guys banged. Your new routine is to put on your pajamas, watch TV together, and then dick around on your phones before lights out. You don't cuddle. You don't kiss. You don't even hug. You get more affection from your cat Draco, than your "lover". You don't desire each other in any meaningful way, anymore. Are you guys related? You forget sometimes.
SORRY BUT NO. If that sounds like you, what are you doing? Seriously. If both of you are so checked out that sex is a thing that happens to other people, you need to get out. If you've tried to put the moves on your SO and they won't put the moves on you (or in you...), then holy hell, run. Run for the hills. If you can't have a conversation about sex without one of you getting angry or resentful then you shouldn't be together anymore. Full stop. Sex is important in a relationship. The person with the higher-libido is going to be hurting emotionally if their needs aren't being met. If you can't compromise about that point, then sorry but it's over. End it already.
4. You fight about EVERYTHING
How exhausting. You fight about who takes out the trash. You fight about what hair products are the best. You fight about what to eat for dinner. Everything is a fucking argument in your relationship! Every day, you try to one-up your SO. Once a week, someone is sleeping on the couch. All you do is bicker and bicker and bicker. One snide comment here, one passive aggressive note there, one screaming/crying match on the left. Nothing ever really goes smoothly. If you're stuck in this toxic cycle, get counseling or get out. If you both legitimately disagree about everything, then what's the point in being together? And if you're both caught in resentment, it's not going to get better unless you get help. You're incompatible. Too much damage has been done. Give up and find someone better suited for you.
5. Someone isn't sure
You need to be all-in. Relationships are hard enough when both people are invested in it. Everyone has heard that relationships are work - well, that's been repeated because it's true. If someone has one foot out of the door, then consider it the end of the relationship. Really. If someone has checked out and they're buying time to find someone else, goodbye. And if you're the one that is completely apathetic, then stop wasting time and put the damn relationship down. Obviously, there will be times of uncertainty in a relationship, but both of you should have made a commitment to be together. If someone is questioning that commitment, then you've got big problems. You're in or you're out. No in-betweens.
6. You disagree on the basics
I'm talking kids, future goals, sex, fidelity, religion, etc. You should have a fairly good idea about what you need from life and your partner. You should know your expectations. If you want kids, and he says, "No way, I hate kids!" THEN DONT TRICK YOURSELF INTO BELIEVING HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND. HE WONT. You will have wasted your time. That goes for everything. If she tells you she wants an open relationship someday and the thought of it horrifies you, BREAK UP. I can't believe how many people get married without having these talks. Can people spring this stuff on you? Definitely. But damn, if you know, you can preemptively decide if this is something that you can compromise on. If not, then start walking.
Stop rolling your eyes at me. "D'uh! Cass!" you're saying. But it bears repeating. If your SO cheats on you, say goodbye. They don't get a do-over. And guess what? You get to choose the definition of cheating! As long as you're upfront with your SO, you can decide what is cheating to you. If it's texting an ex, then tell them that. If it's watching cam girls, tell them that! Just be upfront so that your partner can make a decision. Maybe they love cam-girls and they don't want to give them up. Now you can both say "bye bye" and find other people. If you lay down the law at the beginning of the relationship, then both of you are starting on the same page. And if you don't talk about something, but then you find it makes you uncomfortable later on, your SO should prioritize you above whatever the issue is. Because your happiness and sense of trust in that person should be more important to them than an ex, cam girl, coworker, friend, etc. If that's not the case, then walk. Your relationship isn't going to make it anyways. All in, remember?
A rule I live by is "What is this person bringing to my life?" I use this for friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and most of all, my boyfriend. If this person doesn't make you happy for the most part, then you need to ask yourself why. Are you always crying around this person? That's a sign. Are you unhappy, nervous, anxious, pissed off, or irritated with this person? Why? People aren't perfect - we've all got our scrapes and scratches and bruises. But damn, sometimes you're just not compatible, no matter how much you wish it to be so. If you've tried and you've tried and you've tried, at what point do you stop trying? How much time do you want to waste trying to put a square peg into a round hole? Cut them loose, then go and find your true partner. I promise you, there's someone out there that will love, respect you, fuck you, communicate with you, and make your life so much better. You've just got to be open to finding them.
With that said, dear friends, I hope you're in a good place right now in your relationship, and if you're not, I hope you have the courage to take steps to being in a better relationship.