Why you should talk about sex. All the time.

 

I don't think I'm alone in thinking that sometimes, talking about sex is hard. In fact, often it's easier to LET SOMEONE PENETRATE YOU than talk about that same penetration.

And why is that?

I think that sex is often intrinsically linked with vulnerability. From both men's and women's perspective, it's hard to have sex. You want to look good naked, you want to make your partner happy, you don't want your "O" face to look hideous, you don't want your dick to be too small or your blowjobs to be too sloppy, you don't want to cry after a really strong orgasm.... (not that the last one has ever happened to me. Especially not like....2 days ago. Yeah....)

Here's the thing, though. You should be talking with your lover/spouse/FWB about sex. It shouldn't have to feel awkward. And in fact, the more you talk about it, the easier it will get to talk about it. And as we've all heard a million and one times, communication is the main thing that holds a relationship together.

But why? Why should you talk about sex?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Safety

Sex is about penetrating someone - and that person should feel good being penetrated. You should know your partners boundaries BEFORE you jump into bed with them. Yes, I'm dead serious. So many shitty situations and so many painful emotions could have been spared if there had been a conversation beforehand. And damn, it doesn't have to be a sit down, formal conversation beforehand - it can be done with flirty undertones - but it should be talked about. Ask about hard boundaries for the person you're fucking so that signals aren't mixed up and you don't end up emotionally hurting the person you're with. With that said, be honest with your partner. You'll only have sex with a condom? Tell them! Don't play it by ear when you know you're not into something or against something. Be strong with your boundaries.

2. Frequency

Guess what? People have different sex drives! Shocker, huh?! Even though this seems obvious, you'd be surprised to learn how many problems come from this. Hell, I've had problems with this. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER and ask them, ideally, how much sex they would have if they could have it every day. If you find your libidos are really mismatched, then that gives you an idea of whether you want to stay in the relationship or find someone better matched to you. But, go into your relationship with your eyes wide-open. You can't resent your partner if they tell you they only want to have sex once a month, and then....they turn you down 3 out of 4 times. Durr. And if you're the low-libido partner, you can't resent your partner for asking you for sex 3 times a week. If you're that mismatched, then perhaps reconsider your situation or expect to compromise. But above all, this should give you a good indicator about what will make your partner happy. HEY SOMETIMES LIFE GETS IN THE WAY! We all get that! But if you know your partners ideal frequency, you have a good marker about how much will make them happy and if you're fucking them....I'm hoping you want to see them happy.

3. Fantasy

Sex should be a relaxing, fun opportunity to discover more about yourself and your partner. As I've talked about before, if things are boring....you're half to blame! So, while cooking dinner or washing the dishes, ask your sexy partner what they fantasize about! Lingerie? Threesomes? Furry costumes? And then, guess what? When they tell you, have an open mind about it. If your partner is into 50 people gangbangs, but that's not something you want to pursue, perhaps you can incorporate some roleplay into your sex life to compromise. Work within your own boundaries to make things fun and interesting.

4. Issues

Sometimes, things aren't going exactly as planned....and this could be either in the relationship or just in the bedroom. Really the only way to fix them is to - you guessed it! - talk about it! If you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend because he won't do the damn dishes, then tell him! Don't pull this passive aggressive "I have a headache" shit, because that gets you absolutely nowhere. Not only is he not going to do the dishes, but he'll probably stop asking you for sex because he feel rejected all the time...and then you have dirty dishes and you'll think he's cheating on you because he never initiates sex anymore. If you hate the way she does that thing in the sack, then you need to tell her to stop doing that thing because it messes up your mojo and you can't cum. And yeah, it will probably be awkward for a minute, but that's life. Life (and especially sex) are awkward sometimes. If this person loves you and respects you, they'll want to help you solve the problem. Figure out a way to solve the issues so you guys can go back to rolling in the hay.

5. To bring you closer

Who else can you talk to about your sex life, other than your partner? A few friends here and there? And even then, you have to filter the details and keep them at an arms length so they don't cringe away in horror/disgust. Just talking about your sex life - your private life - can create intimacy between the two of you. When you roll over to your partner the next morning, wink, and say, "Man, last night was so great! The way you did that thing just blew my mind!"...that's a moment between the two of you, that you don't have with other people. When you can open up and be honest about what you want....that's something you have with them that you don't have with other people. When you can be vulnerable and talk to them about your desires and how much sex you want/need and tell them your boundaries....yeah, that's the two of you bonding. So, do it more. Bring it up over dinner. Bring it up before bed, and in the morning, and sure....right after you had a mind-blowing orgasm (if your'e not asleep already.) Keep that communication going so that you can keep the fire burning.

 

I understand that sometimes....talking about sex is really hard. Trust me, I get it. Sometimes I'll be thinking about something that I want to share with C, and I don't because I'm scared. This causes problems in the relationship that C is unaware of - when in reality, it could easily be solved. Usually it ends up with me shamefully admitting something, and him hugging me and together us fixing the problem. Also, usually it ends with sex....which is probably what I was looking for in the first place.

But do it. Talk. More. About. Sex. Don't be scared. Trust the person you're with to treat you well and if they don't....walk away. Life is too short to be in a relationship where you can't discuss something as important as sex with respect and an open-mind.

Seriously.