What I get out of sex! (Sexual Sundays with Cass)

Hello, dear reader! Happy Sexual Sunday!

You're probably looking at the title, like...."Uh, duh! Isn't it obvious? Come on now, Cass! Get with the program, woman!"

Wait a minute. Don't click away just yet. It may not be what you think.

It sounds trite, but sex is a lot more than just putting a penis into a vagina for me. It's more than just orgasms. It's more than 15 minutes of pleasure.

To me, sex is intimacy.

In my world, they are one and the same - I can't have one without the other. And, unfortunately, society has kind of bastardized sex by cheapening it. What do I mean by that? Advertising and marketing use sex as a way to sell objects and things, and it's created a society that thinks that sex is solely about pleasure. Our society puts sex on a pedestal, but for all of the wrong reasons. It's a very shallow understanding of sex we're being peddled.

Here, let me explain.

What makes sex great?

Sex is connecting to someone else for a moment. It's both being present in the moment, enjoying it, and knowing that you're making someone else happy. It's opening up to someone else and letting them see all the things that you try to hide under clothes and covers. It's seeing that person that you're having sex with writhe in ecstasy and knowing, "Damn, I did that to them." It's having your naughty dreams filled with a person you can trust.

These things can take place in a solid relationship, or a FWB situation, or even a one-night-stand or threesome.

But, because we're fed this shit about sex being self-serving and simply about "The orgasm," we've started to internalize it. We think sex is just simply sex. It is just a way to release that pressure and nothing else. It's a biological need and whatever. It doesn't have impact or significance the way that the word "love" does. It's -just- sex.

I don't agree with that. Vehemently, I don't agree with that. And I think there are a lot of people out there who would agree with me.

I start to feel like I'm disconnected to my boyfriend after we haven't had sex in awhile. It is not physical (Hell, if it was, all that masturbating would satiate me. It doesn't. At all.) It is entirely emotional. I need to see that he feels desire for me. I need to feel his hands on me. I need to feel that we're together, physically and spiritually and emotionally. I need to check in with him. And hell, it doesn't matter how we do it - hard and rough or soft and loving, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we're connected and we're both present and having a good time.

So, forgive me, but I don't understand it when some people don't make sex a priority in their relationship. I feel like it's one of those things like money, that can make or break a relationship. When you have it in your relationship, it's 1% of the relationship - when it's missing, it's 99% of the relationship. When you start feeling like sex is a chore, and making your partner happy and having your partner make you happy....isn't worth it anymore, then why are you together? What is left there?

If you're there - bored and tired of the same sex, filled with pent-up resentment, or too stressed with daily living - I urge you to start having sex again....and this time, instead of thinking of it as "just sex", start thinking about it as "Intimacy" or "connecting". You love this person. You want to see how they're doing. This is your priority and your promise. Make a decision to have an open-conversation with your partner to see what they can do on their end to make it more pleasurable for you. More oral? More foreplay? Get on the same page.

If you're one of the people who are struggling with a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife who doesn't see sex as important in the relationship, you need to tell them about the intimacy part of sex. You need to make it clear that you don't feel connected to your partner. Perhaps, if you start framing it in that way, it can open up a dialog where they're more likely to understand. You can't manufacture desire, but damnit, you can make your needs known to your partner. Too many people think that wanting sex is sinful or greedy or selfish; these people end up burying their needs deep down, thinking they aren't deserving of sex. This is complete bullshit. You deserve intimacy in your relationship, and if this is your way of connecting with your partner, then you should be with someone who is willing to "speak your language."

After you've had the talk with your partner, it's up to them to change the status quo. It is no longer your responsibility - it is out of your hands. The only thing you have power over is yourself, and your reaction to other people. Once you know where your partner is, you can make a decision if you're in the right relationship for you.

So to TL;DR: Sex is important for intimacy. Make it a priority in your relationship.