Stop being "needy" in your relationship. No, seriously, just stop.


Often, you know if you're being needy in your relationship - which is probably what initially made you click on this post. Usually when you're being needy, there's this feeling of your partner having more "power" over you. It may not be overt - but it's there. Things in a relationship do not feel balanced when you're being needy. You text them more. You want to hang out more. You want far more sex than they do. You often have to beg them for more time and more commitment. You want to do everything with them always. You need them to constantly tell you how great you are.

Neediness can kill a relationship in any stage - at the beginning when all those crazy hormones are pumping through your body and you want to spend ALL your time together, in the middle steps when things have started to settle down and the reality and substance of the relationship are apparent, and at the final stage where you've been in a relationship for a long-time, you're married or living together and you've overcome some shit together.

So, why is neediness such a turn-off?

It's because neediness is a sign to your partner that you don't have very much else going on in your life. You're priority is THEM, not your life or yourself. Instead of focusing on improving your life, you're trying to have them improve your life for you. Neediness stems from insecurity and desperation and it signals to your partner you don't have much going for you. It also shows them that you don't have very many options and you'll pretty much put up with anything to keep them.

The times when I've been needy in my relationships is when I've felt insecure in other spots in my life. Either I've been struggling with my job, personal relationships with family/friends, or just feeling bored with my own life. I tried to fill up those holes in my life with my partner, and predictably, it didn't work out. No one wants to feel that they are the sole provider for your happiness. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone.

So now, when I start to feel that neediness come on (and yes, I know when it's coming), I take a step a back and try to see the forest for the trees. What is lacking in my life? Strong friendships? Hobbies? Exercise? A more fulfilling job? Money? What is it? And instead of turning to C, I start to focus on those things. I try to improve my life in a meaningful way and that makes that neediness go away. I start to feel better about myself, my self-worth goes up, and that draws C to me. Instead of pulling him to me forcefully, I let him come to me intentionally. And yes, that makes our relationship stronger. He knows that I am his equal (not a puppy-dog or "Yes-man") and that I'm self-sufficient and capable or living with or without him. It also means that I've chosen him for who he is and not because I am desperate for anyone who gives me a second of attention. This is important to him as I feel like it is for everyone. Who wants to be with someone that's with you just to be with someone? No one I know.

If you are feeling needy because your partner is ignoring you consistently or not treating you the way they should be, this is the time to take a good hard look at the relationship. In these situations, it's even more imperative you start to follow your own wants and needs and put the relationship on the back-burner. You need to mold your life into something you enjoy living and from there decide if your partner belongs in it. Either the space will bring you and your SO closer together or it will give you the opportunity to see that life without them isn't actually so bad and maybe it's time to re-evaluate. You put up with what you think you deserve.

Feeling needy is normal. It's how you deal with that neediness that will decide how functional your relationship is. So be intentional, focus that energy on yourself and your life, and see where that takes you....both in your relationship and in your life.